It was 7:30 AM on a Tuesday. The school bus was five minutes away. And a six-year-old boy was sitting on the floor, one sock on, one sock off, weeping because his toast was “too crunchy.”
We’ve all been there. The logic of an adult brain screams: It’s just toast. Put on your shoes. We are late.
In these moments, we risk missing the real issue: adults view situations through the lens of experience—a “Veteran Bias.” Our life experience tells us toast is trivial and being late is not catastrophic, but children perceive these moments as significant.
They, however, are experiencing life for the very first time.
The Science of “The Upstairs Brain”
In India, we often define a ‘good child’ almost exclusively by obedience, labeling crying as ‘stubborn’ and arguing as ‘disrespect.’
But let’s look at the research. Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry, introduces the concepts of the “Upstairs Brain” (logic, reasoning, calmness) and the “Downstairs Brain” (emotion, fight-or-flight).
When overwhelmed, a child’s upstairs brain goes offline. This isn’t willful disobedience; it’s that their brain isn’t ready to manage distress yet.
The Indian Context: Performance vs. Personhood
In our culture, the pressure begins early. From nursery admission interviews to the race for the top schools in India, children are constantly being evaluated.
When we judge a child for struggling, we add shame to their struggle. We tell them that their “First-Time” clumsiness is a character flaw.
- They spill milk? We say, “Look at what you did.” (Shame)
- They can’t solve a sum? We say, “Why aren’t you focusing?” (Judgment)
Positive parenting centers on changing the narrative from judgment to guidance, not on letting children do whatever they want.
How Environment Shapes the Brain
This is where the choice of school becomes critical.
When parents search for “best school near me” or “school admissions,” they often look at infrastructure or board exam results. While those matters, the psychological environment of the classroom matters more.
A traditional, fear-based classroom keeps a child in their “Downstairs Brain.” They learn to survive, not to thrive.
In a progressive school in India, we design the environment to keep the “Upstairs Brain” online.
- Mistakes are normalized: “You didn’t fail; you found a way that doesn’t work. Try again.”
- Emotions are named: “I see you are frustrated with this project. Let’s take a break and come back.”
- Learning is personalised: We recognize that every child navigates their “first time” at a different speed.
The “Visitor” Mindset: A Tool for Parents
So, how do we apply this at home tonight?
I propose the “Visitor Mindset.” Imagine your child is a visitor from a foreign land. They don’t know the customs. They don’t know the language perfectly. They are easily overwhelmed by the noise and lights.
If a visitor made a mistake, would you yell at them? Or would you gently guide them?
Practical Action Steps:
- The Pause: When you feel the urge to correct, pause for 3 seconds.
- Connect Before Correct: Get down to their eye level. Touch their shoulder. This physical safety signal brings the “Upstairs Brain” back online.
- Validate the Struggle: “I know tying shoelaces is hard.I had trouble with it, too, when I was new to it.”
The Future of Education
We are preparing our children for a 21st-century world that requires emotional intelligence, resilience, and adaptability. These skills are not learned through fear. They are learned through psychological safety. This is part of the science that we train our teachers in schools with: to be calm, patient, and emotionally aware.
They are new here. Be their guide, not their judge.
